Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
I. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...
Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
UNKNOWN FACTS (I THINK}
1. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
2. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
3. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
4. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)
5. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
6. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
7. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
8. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
9. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
10. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
11. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
12. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
13. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
14. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
15. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
16. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
17. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
18. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
19. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
20. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
21. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
22. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
23. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
24. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
25. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
26. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
27. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
Now you know it all!! Or, almost all.
U S Legacies Magazine